The new sleeping arrangement: Why some couples are choosing separate bedrooms

Cameron Diaz and Carson Daly are among those who support the idea of sleeping apart. While it might seem unusual for couples to sleep in separate beds or rooms, a 2023 survey of 2,200 Americans found that one in five couples does this, with about two-thirds of them doing so nightly. This trend, sometimes referred to as a "sleep divorce," is more common than many realize.

Traditionally viewed as a sign of marital issues, sleeping separately is now being reconsidered by experts who argue that it can improve overall sleep quality.

Prioritizing Sleep

Dr. Mark Boulous, a neurologist at Sunnybrook Health Sciences Centre, identifies sleep loss as a key reason couples opt for separate sleeping arrangements. Despite a 2022 study highlighting benefits of sharing a bed—such as improved sleep and mental health—some people struggle with their partner’s sleep habits, including snoring, restlessness, and differing sleep schedules, which can lead to significant sleep disruptions. “So, it can have a major impact,” Boulous explained.

Poor sleep can contribute to various issues, including health problems, mood regulation difficulties, impaired cognitive function, and reduced pain tolerance. These factors can affect productivity, self-esteem, and relationships, according to Janna Comrie, a psychotherapist and director of Comrie Counselling in Whitby, Ont.

“When you’re more anxious, depressed, exhausted, or frustrated due to poor sleep, you’re likely to be shorter with your partner, more prone to arguments, and less capable of finding creative solutions to problems,” Comrie said.

New parents often find themselves sleeping apart. Toronto-based psychotherapist Allison Villa notes that one parent usually aligns with the child's sleep cycle while the other enjoys uninterrupted rest. "At least one person gets a better sleep, and you can kind of pass the baton in that way," she said.

For example, Amy Jones, a 36-year-old mother of two from Huntsville, Ont., started sleeping apart from her husband when their son was six months old. Her husband slept with their older child while she cared for the baby. “I never thought this would be our dynamic before kids, but we know it’s temporary, and it works super well for us!” Jones said. (Currently, she and her husband mostly sleep in the same room again.)

Lindsay Dimatteo, a 40-year-old mother of two from Toronto, had a similar experience. In 2020, she and her husband began sleeping separately due to her pregnancy-related snoring disturbing his sleep. They decided to make the arrangement permanent after realizing that separate bedrooms improved their overall sleep quality.

“We believe that our sleeping arrangement has been a big factor in the success of our happy relationship,” Dimatteo wrote. “Having a busy family and working full-time can be exhausting. Getting proper sleep every night helps us be less irritable and allows us to have some much-needed alone time.”

The Potential Downsides

Despite the advantages, sleeping separately can be problematic if intimacy and communication are neglected. Comrie points out that sharing a bed offers opportunities for intimacy and spontaneous connection, which can be lost when couples sleep in separate rooms. "If you're in two different bedrooms, you're not going to know your partner is awake."

Villa adds that going to bed at the same time creates a sense of safety and trust. “Sleeping is a very vulnerable state, so being able to do that together and experience that vulnerability can build trust,” she said.

A partner’s request to sleep separately might be perceived as rejection or retaliation if not communicated properly, potentially causing relationship disconnection. Comrie suggests working with a mental health professional to address any underlying issues.

Maintaining Intimacy

While sleeping apart can limit trust-building opportunities during sleep, it’s still possible to nurture intimacy in other ways. Finding a solution that works for both partners is crucial.

Comrie advises one couple she sees to spend time together and cuddle before sleeping in separate rooms. If mornings are more suitable, the early riser can join the other partner in their bed to start the day together. Another couple, due to busy schedules, sleeps separately Monday through Thursday but maintains a strong connection. “You can certainly negotiate separate sleeping arrangements and still have a really connected, healthy relationship,” said Comrie.

Sexual intimacy before bedtime can also improve sleep quality. A 2023 study found that 75% of respondents reported better sleep after having sex before bed, with 64% noting that sex was as effective or better than sleep medication. "Just doing it the natural way with your partner can actually be very therapeutic [for sleep]," Boulous said.

Sleeping separately doesn’t have to be permanent. As sleep patterns and needs evolve, it’s important to adapt your relationship accordingly. “It’s very loving to tend to the needs of the relationship as it evolves,” Villa said. “We don’t want to be rigid. We need to flow with the changes because everyone is constantly changing and growing, and so is the relationship.”